I know I usually try to be upbeat and creative with my posts, but this week (particularly due to lack of free time), I’m going to be honest. Not that my upbeatness and creativity aren’t honest, but I think I just need someone to remind me where my sanity has gone.
First of all, I started a new job last week. What the hell is wrong with me? I already spend hours after everyone else has gone home at the first job I had. This new job is a lot like my full time job but on a smaller scale: tutoring. I think my real problem is not that I took on another job, but that I can’t ever give myself a break. This tutoring job is supposed to be fun, but since I can’t do anything imperfectly, it just ends up stressing me out more.
You know those people who leave work and don’t think about their jobs? Or have you ever met someone who is ok with just being good at everything, not great? Or even someone who can say no and not feel guilty? I want to be one of those people. Whatever happened to my very first blog post about not taking myself so seriously? Obviously I didn’t take THAT seriously enough. I feel as though I have spent my whole darn life debating with myself whether it’s bad or good to always feel this need to be perfect. I can never quite decide.
On top of my journey uphill on that mountain called perfection, I feel lonely. Not lonely like there’s nobody around. I live in Chicago, there’s always people around. Lonely like all the things that are bogging me down have taken over my life. I feel disconnected from my friends and family, and I’m hundreds of miles away from the person I love (and let’s be honest with ourselves here, the phone just isn’t an ample connection). I have begun to feel like I hear about things my friends are doing, and I haven’t been involved in them. My fellow Uncharted authors have all been talking about vision boards and aspirations for 2011. I haven’t come up with a single thing for myself, because I feel like whenever I sit down I’m too dazed and exhausted to think about anything. The one thing I said I wanted to do was treat my body better, and I haven’t even followed through on that. When I’m leaving school at 7 pm and my tummy is ferociously growling, I can’t bring myself to go to the gym or to think about eating healthy. And it’s starting to catch up to me. I don’t really feel like anyone is in my corner. I don’t feel like I have a lot of support. Everyone gets so busy in their own lives, and I’m starting to notice that people only really contact you when they need you. People don’t often call or hang out to just see how you’re doing, even if they know you’re going through a hard time. I want visions, I want aspirations. I want someone in my corner (well, at least someone who’s closer than Denver…because while I love Jonathan more than anything, sometimes you just need a real hug, not one over Skype). I want to take my life and myself back.
I have realized something very serious (and I’m going to say it, even though I felt a pang of hatred overcome my body when I was little and my father used to say it to me): I need to lighten up.
I need to start enjoying things again. I feel like the paperwork and obligations at my job have made me enjoy it less. I feel like I have distanced myself from the people who are important to me. And overall, I’m not really sure I love where my life is at right now. Maybe it’s a phase (gosh, I hope so), or maybe a late quarter-life crisis. Whatever it is, I need winter to be over, because this little hibernating bear needs some sunshine and happiness to return to her life!